


a touch that burns

by RedXD



Series: Hermit Fear Headcanons [5]
Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, But don’t give him that hug, Etho is in pain, Etho needs a hug, Fear, Gen, Haphephobia, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Self projection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:20:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27099502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedXD/pseuds/RedXD
Summary: Sometimes people hurt you and you don’t tell them.And sometimes simply telling someone something... doesn’t solve the problem.
Relationships: Etho & Charles | Grian, Etho & Daniel M. | VintageBeef, Etho & Tangotek
Series: Hermit Fear Headcanons [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1791832
Comments: 14
Kudos: 141





	a touch that burns

**Author's Note:**

> To those who miss the fear oneshots 
> 
> HAVE ONE
> 
> Ik ive already done etho haphephobia before but this one connects to the same universe as the others + i have haphephobia so its a wee bit me self projecting

Haphephobia

Noun

Intense fear of being touched or touch

—

Etho clings to Side Kit.

The only touch he welcomes. The only touch that doesn’t fill him with something… something broken.

He knows he should be asleep. It’s late and most if not all hermits said goodnight hours ago.

But the stars keep their distance. They welcome him with open arms, but they do it from far away, never forceful. Never guilt-tripping him… never making his glass slowly empty out as if every drop of safety and warmth doesn’t belong there.

His eyes trace each star.

_I feel alone._

_Why does it feel like I have to choose between comfort or friends?_

_It’s unfair. It’s unfair to make me choose._

It’s been at least a week since he’s spoken or seen another hermit.

Etho pretends it’s not on purpose, but he knows that it isn't. That a part of him is tired of explanations and crying.

After a chain reaction of hermits opening up about their fears started because Bdubs, he had finally given in when Keralis had sprung an ‘Emergency Meeting’ on everyone the other day. Keralis explained some stuff about Xisuma, who apparently had a few fears he had been dealing with on his own.

According to Keralis, Xisuma had told him after Keralis was going too far with Beeralis oriented jokes.

Etho knows of his number one fear. A fear he is sure none of the hermits have heard of.

Haphephobia. The fear of being touched. Mix it with Claustrophobia and Etho basically needs people to never be near him.

At the end of the impromptu meeting, Xisuma had asked for any last things.

Being the idiot he is, he told them all about his fear.

Suddenly XB’s timer for a project was going off and the meeting had a rushed ending before Etho could bother explaining the details.

He’s afraid of touch.

That’s all he managed to speak up about.

It’d be fine if the other hermits understood.

But they don’t.

Tango, known for his warm hugs and quick high fives, still touches him as if nothing had ever happened. Etho doesn’t bother bringing it up because Tango has always been overbearing with hugs. He never really thinks before doing things and Etho guesses he never thinks to not touch or to ask him.

Joe, Cub, and a few other hermits seem to have completely forgotten the minute long confession.

Impulse and Stress weren’t even at the meeting so they don’t even know.

False asked for a day or two before she completely forgot and went straight back to her barrel hugs and noogies.

Doc has seen the other hermits hugging and touching him, he’s noticed how Etho flinches away from his touch. Both of them haven’t spoken in awhile because of that. Doc is mad because he thinks Etho is being biased despite them being best friends.

Beef.

Beef has been touching him and then jumping away a moment later. He looks conflicted before making an excuse to leave.

So Etho is stuck.

He did his best to tell people, but he doesn’t want to be a bother. Even though he feels like he’s suffocating with each pat on the shoulder… even though each hug feels more like a chokehold, he remains silent.

It’s fine. He can handle it.

He’s only had a few mental breakdowns, only puked once when they had a movie night and the hermits decided to do a cuddle pile, and his crying has been kept to a minimum.

Though… he’s returned to an old habit. One from years before. He’s got long sweaters and jackets, gloves, and even a turtleneck to cover his skin. Because then he can pretend they aren’t touching him, but rather his clothes.

He can try. He can pretend.

Even if it hurts.

Even if he hates it. He wants to not be afraid, but he can’t help wanting to cry with each brush of the shoulder.

So here he is.

With his fox and the stars.

No friends and all alone except for a fluffy fox.

_Maybe this is my fault?_

_Maybe I should be okay?_

It’s not that he hates touch. He likes it. On the really good days, he’ll hug his friends and hang out close to them for hours.

But on bad days, even on average days, he feels constricted like a million chains tangling around his neck until he can’t breath.

In fact, every day he feels chains. And whenever someone touches him, they push on the chains, making Etho feel horrible.

He doesn’t want to be touched on most days because his head tells him the worst. Stress’s loving hug turns into a death trap where he’s choking for air. Grian’s playful nudge becomes a stab in the arm, one with invisible stinging for days on end.

A sick feeling always ends up in his stomach.

He doesn’t know what it is.

All he knows is that he fears what will happen. What if a hug turns into someone trying to break his ribs? What if a poke on the cheek turns into someone hurting him?

Even worse… what if someone’s love and affection turns into manipulation and forced desire?

What ifs are a constant source of his anxiety because no matter what he tells himself…. No matter how much he loves and trusts the other hermits…

He can’t trust them.

He can’t trust anyone because trust equals weakness.

And he’s been taught since the very beginning that weakness is a fucked up trait to have.

Tears spill from his eyes and Side Kit yips, nudging his arm.

_I’m going to be alone forever._

_I had a choice and I picked comfort._

_But at what cost?_

_Friendships? Love? A community?_

The tears turn to sobs as he hugs himself.

It’s a hug he doesn’t fear because he’s in control of it.

He can control it and make sure he’s safe. That the hug won’t become hurt.

But the hurt has already arrived.

It broke down the front door and suddenly it’s clinging to his skin, burning his insides.

Shaking, he can’t seem to breathe. And suddenly he can’t do anything. All he can feel is his hands. He can only hear his own erratic heartbeat and the ringing in his ears. The voices in his head are telling him things.

Stupid. Lonely little idiot. Afraid of something as important as touch? What are you gonna be afraid of taste next? Idiot idiot idiot…

Hot and sticky sobs turn to pained screams and cries.

He can’t feel or see anything and everything hurts.

Opening up never means happiness.

—

Etho wakes up cold and covered in snow. His clothes are wet and his face is still a bit sticky from crying.

Side Kit licks his face in worry, staring at him.

His numb fingers grasp at his communicator, looking for the time. It seems to be near noon. He scrolls up and notices a message to everyone from Xisuma about a fear board outside the town hall.

It seems to be a way for people to keep track of fears so everyone can be there for each other.

Should I put my name down? Admit that despite me not saying anything about people still touching me, I don’t want them to? That I’m a liar?

With a sigh, he closes his mouth into a tight line.

_No… I’ll just deal with it._

So he does.

—

It’s been months.

At this point, everyone has opened up. People have discovered fear after fear and everyone is supporting and helping each other.

Etho’s gotten into a rhythm. Whenever he starts feeling sick from others touching him too much, he’ll make an excuse and go to his base to work it off for a few hours.

It worked until one day at the newly forming Mycelium Resistance Headquarters.

Grian wanted to work on a redstone contraption with him.

Being Etho, he agrees and shows up on time.

“Etho! Thanks for helping, I have an amazing prank idea to use on Scar.”

He raises an eyebrow, “Oh?”

Grian smirks his ‘plotting’ smirk and snickers, “I heard about that machine you made at people’s bases that randomly dispenses light gray stained glass. We’re going to do loads of those all over the shopping district, but this time with mushrooms.”

Laughing lightly, he pulls up his mask out of habit and leans over to get out his redstone supplies.

“This’ll be easy.”

The shorter male laughs his high pitched gremlin laugh and tackles Etho from behind, peaking over his shoulder at the redstone.

“Good!”

Etho’s breath hitches and he feels his hands start to shake.

_He’s not touching you, he’s touching clothes, just clothes, you’re not involved. You’re safe, you’re okay. This is okay._

No matter how much he repeats it, the longer Grian doesn’t stop touching him, the more he begins to feel his throat tighten and his stomach swirl.

Possibilities and bad thoughts and miserable ideas begin to build up in his head. The words ‘You aren’t safe’ are used as building cement that glues each horrible thought together.

And then Grian is gone and he realizes it only lasted a second or two, yet it felt far too long and now he can’t seem to calm down.

Etho takes a few deep breaths and plasters on a fake smile despite having his mask on.

“Let’s get going to the surface, I can show you how to make it real quick, it’s easy as pie.”

“Sounds good!”

—

Grian grins, “We did it! Thanks again. I’m excited to see Scar’s reaction to this mess.”

He holds up his hand for a high five.

Etho freezes, staring at the peach skin and his brain goes haywire again.

_I don’t want to do this… but he wants me to._

_It’s fine. I’m fine. This is fine._

He raises his hand and lightly taps his finger to Grian’s palm, immediately taking it away.

Most of the hermits have gotten to his lackluster high fives, thinking it’s because he’s lazy.

However, Grian frowns.

“That’s not a high five! That’s a low one. A sad finger. Nothing exciting about that.”

He keeps his hand held up, “C’mon!”

Etho hasn’t had a good week.

Doc and him still aren’t on talking terms; Beef hugged Etho and then immediately pulled away, but he obviously wanted to hug him and instead Beef ended up leaving in a rush and they haven’t spoken since.

His new mob farm didn’t work how he wanted. All his Decked Out runs were complete duds with him getting killed nearly immediately. And Side Kit isn’t anywhere he can find.

So when Grian stares at him, waiting for him to high five him properly.

It’s like a tap to a breaking glass.

Everything shatters.

Months of keeping it all in, of pretending, of crying, of feeling alone, and of working himself daily… it all comes out in acid like tears that spill from his eyes.

Etho drops to his knees, he’s shaking but he can’t stop it. His mind is foggy, and as more and more tears build up, he begins to be unable to see except for blurry colors.

He hugs himself and bites his tongue to keep him from being too loud.

Grian’s presence remains, but after a moment, he feels a hand on his back. There’s circles being made to try and soothe him.

All it does is make it worse.

Before he can control himself, Etho sobs out a loud, “STOP TOUCHING ME!”

The hand stops and is immediately removed.

Words bubble from his mouth and they’re quiet and he can barely hear them over his own sobbing that’s loud in his ears, but his mouth is uncontrollable and the words fall out like sludge.

“I don’t like it. Touch is scary and I hate it. I hate how all of you are trying to be affectionate and kind, how you’re being yourselves, but I just feel afraid and broken. I can’t control it. I’ve tried- oh god I’ve tried-“

He begins to stumble over words, unable to breathe.

“I-I’m so scared and sad and alone. I tried to t-tell you all, but it’s like you guys forgot or something- now Doc h-hates me and- Beef is scared of me- like- like I’m a monster and- and I don’t want to be alone- I don’t want- I want to love hugs- I want to love it- But I’m so scared- It’s like I can only think of everything going wrong- I can’t help but feel like it’s- It’s hateful- and I just-“

He hears Tango’s voice, he doesn’t understand it… he doesn’t remember Tango even walking up.

“Etho, it’s okay. Focus on breathing. I know you can’t control it. I know. But trust me, breathing is important. And if you can breathe, you can tell us how else to help.”

Tango speaks in a tone he’s never heard. He sounds empathetic, as if he sees himself in Etho.

Said male stops talking, his brain finally working. He begins to count his breaths, calming down and wiping his eyes to clear his vision like windshield wipers.

He blinks and notices that it’s not just Tango.

Multiple hermits must have noticed and stopped to help.

Grian stands beside Tango who is kneeled in front of him.

Beef, Bdubs, and Cub are standing behind, watching with concern painting their faces.

He meets Beef’s eyes and immediately shys away.

_Now he’s going to be more scared of me…_

Tango begins to talk again, “I’m not going to tough you, but I need to know how to help Etho. We all just want to help.”

Etho blinks back more tears and takes another deep breath, “I- Um… Can you give me more space?”

Grian and Tango back up a bit.

“Anything else?”

_They… still care? Even though I lied? Even though I wasn’t honest like everyone else?_

He stares in disbelief at them before smiling, his mask having been shoved down in his frenzy a moment ago.

“I thought you’d all be mad I lied.”

Bdubs frowns, “That’s stupid- We all care about you Etho.”

The others nod in agreement.

Etho stares at the ground, “This is going to sound stupid- Actually it is-“

Tango laughs with a lopsided grin, “No way- c’mon, what is it?”

“Can I have an air hug?”

Without hesitation, Bdubs, Cub, Tango, and Grian all open their arms, as if hugging him.

That actually… makes me feel better..

Beef stays still, expression too hard to read.

The hermits wait until Etho is a better and then they let him be. Cub goes to put him on the fear chart while Tango contacts X and the other hermits. Grian finishes cleaning up from their prank and Bdubs goes to talk with Doc.

That leaves just Etho and Beef.

Etho glances up nervously, “Beef- I’m s-“

Beef finally speaks, interrupting Etho:

“I’m so sorry Etho… I never meant to make you feel like that.”

The pale male shakes his head, “It’s fine-“

“No it’s not. I got so caught up in myself and what I was doing… I didn’t take you into consideration and that- That can’t be us.”

Beef steps a bit closer, but never makes any move to get too close.

“We can work on your fear together.”

Etho is silent. He hangs onto the words until he’s moving forward and pulling Beef into a hug.

He’s in control and he initiated it so for once he can block out all the voices.

Beef gently hugs back.

“Thank you.”

**Author's Note:**

> ALSO
> 
> I have a few more of these planned, but the next few ones might take a bit more research so sorry if they take a while


End file.
